remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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