as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
