WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
