So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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