I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
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