i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i dont even know how to be here
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
