dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
