Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
