Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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