there's paper in my vomit.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
