I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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