Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
