This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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