I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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