Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Green mimosas i think yes
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
