its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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