the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.