I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.