I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
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