So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
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She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
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I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.