I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
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I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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