Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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