I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
