I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
