I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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