I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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