so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Bring me that man meat
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
