He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
