Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
