im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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