Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
