pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
