my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize