oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
