bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
