She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
