so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
