omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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