Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Too much gin, very little bucket
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
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My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
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i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
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