She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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