I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
