I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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