Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
