all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
