I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
high people should be assigned attendants
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
