If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
