You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
