when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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