The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
