if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
