i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
