Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
