so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
