dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
