this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
