I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
